As usual I always forget about this thing and them come back to it sometime later. I just layed here and read all my old entries and I know no one reads this but I've been the HUGE change in my life since even the last couple entries. I was reading one that was talking about Mallory and I being sophomores and now we're seniors and everything is all flying by so fast I don't even know how to process it in my mind. There has been a lot of things that have changed. Some for good some for the worst. I think I'm done with this thing for good now.

Okay so that was pretty sweet I got a long to writing this long ass entry and then some fucking pop up thing popped up and took it all away so I guess I'll get to ranting all over again. HA. Today has been rather sucky I guess just because it's a Sunday and it's a slow day and for the past week or so I've been doing things to keep me busy and to keep my mind off things. Yesterday I went to the mall with John and then when I got home he stayed and played video games and then I went to Biddeford and I hung out with Aaron only because he is one of the coolest males! And when I got home I did somethings and then John and Ryan called me and i was on the phone with them for awhile until I apparently fell asleep and hung up on them. Oops. : D And today I woke up to a message from my brother Mark and he was telling me about how he's flying home tomorrow and he should be home sometime tomorrow afternoon which is good because I'll atleast be able to talk to him on the phone for the first time in MONTHS! Ugh,  my moms making dinner right now. And I should totally be typing my biology paper but I really don't feel like it and it was due before vacation. Lately I just have no motivation to do much of anything. It seems like all the people I let walk into my life screw me over in some way shape or form and its fucking ridiculous. I'm so sick of it I'm about to just block everyone out and only come online when I need to do something for school because everythings getting to me. And it seems like I can't live my life because Jason goes on other people's myspaces to see what I'm doing and who I'm talking to and it's fucking ridiculous. He really needs to move on because I don't want to be with him anymore he drives me insane and he is like so impossible to be with. He thinks everything he says/does is right and everyone else is wrong and its irritating he reminds me so much of my Dad. Blah blah blah, for Vacation I went to Massachusetts with Kaylee and it was pretty fricken sweet the first night we were there we drank at Shilah's house and I almost popped Bridget for being a fucking flamboyant bitch. -.- And then the next night I went to Eddys and Kaylee stayed with my mom but it was sweet I enjoyed seeing eddy and all them we watched talk sex with sue for like 2 hours haha. and then I fell asleep at 2. The next day I helped Ivy clean her room which took us 3 hours : ) after I called my mom to pick me up we went to Mrs. & Mr. S's house it was pretty interesting. Then when we got to Aunty Peggy's I called Eric and then Him, Kaylee and I went to go see strange wilderness. it was pretty funny "WAFFLE WAFFLE WAFFLE" - inside joke clearly. um and Kaylee and I drove around the building and everytime I went over a speedbump she'd scream SPEEEEEEEDBUMP. haha. ugh I don't know what else to write because now my hand hurts and I need to pee and finish my paper. 

Still I continue to write in here. I'm in the middle of making cinnamon rolls for everyone, to bad there's only 8 and I'm going to eat most of them :D Um, nothing exciting had really happened since last time. Thanksgiving Jason and I got back together and then on December 6th I found out my old friend Jeremy died in July, he committed suicide. And then the next day Jason came over and we were laying in bed watching tv  when my mom called and told me that my great grandmother died. so on that sunday i went down to massachusetts for the week and i stayed with ym family. then when i went back to maine i had a week of school until vacation. for christmas i got clothes money my zune, some other things that i probably cant remember right now. and new years blowed. nothing excited really happens are here.

 Holy havn't fucking written in this thing in like a month. I don't know why I continue to write in here it's not like anyone reads this or anything. Um things have been fine, could be better I guess but I'm in no position to be bitching. I'm pretty sure I made honor roll this semester and I'm so gassed! :D haha um, my mom got a new car. 2007 Sonata and she won't let me drive it. -.-  Andy at the mobile station almost got robbed but he told the bitch where to go. Hahah, oh man. I don't know what else to write nothing interesting ever happens to me. my hair smells amazing :D i love my shampoo. ^_^

New picture : )


simply just because the friend who drew this for me is amazing : )

Well school started today, it was rather interesting haha. um jason and i aren't back together yet and i wish we were but i still have a feeling that he likes someone else or he just doesn't love me as much as he used to and he won't tell me how much he does because we're not together which is fucking gay im so sick of crying. goodnight.

even if i say it'll be alright still i..

I feel so exhausted, emotionally and physically. Like no matter how much I try it all just gets thrown back into my face. And I get called selfish, immature, annoying, etc., No matter how many chances I give nothing ever changes, and I just put all my heart into the thought of things changing and us both being happy but then they get flushed when we fight.  I just feel like sometimes I don't even know who you are anymore, I used to get lost in your eyes but now  I don't know what I see. And I don't want to just be weak and go back to you the second you promise change because I can't do it. School starts soon for you and on top of that you have a night job your always going to be tired and there won't be much time for me I know this and I don't want to hold you back from anything. who knows anymore because I sure as hell don't. I'm going to go to bed.

hear you say you want to end your life.

So I'm sitting here at Courtney's, it's 2 in the morning and I'm waiting for the episode of CSI t come on. It looks awsome so I decided to stay up and watch it. But then some stupid show came on at 1:30 when the other episode ended. So I made some hot coco :) and now I just finished watching atreyu's new music video for becoming the bull and all i have to say is Alex Varkatzas is one of the hottest men alive. ;) (sorry jason) Ha, anyway their new CD comes out on me and Jasons year and 5 months! WOOT haha. 

Also, I'm a proud aunt of a healthy 7lb 7 1/2 oz baby boy named Jayden who's aboslutely fucking gorgeous and the cutest little thing I've ever seen! I love him so much and I don't even know him but its weird to feel so much love and compassion for this little human thing that isn't even mine :P 


Anyway I think I missed that episode of CSI DAMMIT! : (